Marty Lobdell
Staff Writer

“You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn’t hurt at all,” this lyric is all too true. A great number of teens and young adult have experienced abuse or violence in a dating relationship. Although females are more likely to be victims, males also are abused or treated violently by partners.

The abuse can run the gamut from chronic belittling to date rape. One of the most amazing things is that the victim often puts up with the abuse and in some cases excuses the abuser for his or her behavior. Sometimes it takes a friend or family member to get the person away from an abusive relationship.

An abusive relationship goes beyond the normal arguments and disagreements found in all relationships. Abusive partners show a pattern of behavior designed to maintain control over their partners. The controlling behavior could be verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual. Eventually the victim will be afraid or intimidated by the abuser.

There are numerous signs that a relationship may be abusive.

•           Are you afraid of the other or afraid to break up?

•           Does your partner call you names or make you feel stupid?

•           Is your partner overly jealous?

•           Does your partner try to control who you see, where you go, how you dress or groom?

•           Does your partner tell you that no one else would ever want to be with you?

•           Does your partner cut you off from family or other friends?

•           Do you feel that saying no to sexual activities will cause danger or trouble?

•           Does your partner shove, grab, hit, pinch, kick, strangle or hold you down?

•           Does your partner act really nice sometimes and other times really mean?

•           Does your partner claim he/she said one thing when you know he/she said something else (crazy making)

•           Does your partner blame you for the abuse?

•           Does your partner make frequent promises to change or that you are making too big of a deal about it?

If you believe you are a victim of abuse there are resources that can help. Both Ft. Steilacoom and Puyallup campuses have a counselor who can provide support and resources to help you out of a destructive relationship. If you have a friend who appears to be in an abusive relationship, you may want to talk to him/her about your concerns. You can discuss the signs that indicate to you there may be a problem and also mention resources at either campus.

The vast majority of abusive dating relationships terminate without violence. However, there are instances where an abusive partner becomes increasingly violent when a partner is attempting to end an abusive relationship. If you have a “gut” feeling that your partner could become violent, seeing a counselor or community agency that can help you develop a safety plan is extremely important. Keep in mind that no one deserves to be abused, and that not taking action generally leads to increased abuse.

Being aware of the controlling nature of abusers and the above warning signs can also help you avoid developing a relationship with an abuser. As people get more life experience, they are generally more likely to spot abusive behavior and avoid further contact with that person. Unfortunately, some abusers can cover their need to control until they have established a close relationship.