Jealousy in dating can make or break the relationship and give partner an excuse for an out
Most of us have met the “green eyed monster” up close and personal. Jealousy is the feeling that one’s love interest is being unfaithful or is interested in another person.
This type of jealousy can be divided into two types: founded jealousy and unfounded jealousy. Founded jealousy occurs when one’s lover is, in fact, acting like he or she is drawn to another, while unfounded jealousy is all in one’s imagination (sometimes called pathological jealousy when carried to extremes).
Unfounded jealousy is a tricky problem, because the other is doing nothing to threaten the relationship. This form of jealousy often drives the other person away, which then feeds the jealous person’s belief that they were right, there is someone else.
Some forms of personality disorder, such as Borderline Personality are often characterized by this form of jealousy.
Unfounded jealousy may be resolved through therapy; however, people who show this form of jealousy believe their relationship is threatened. Therefore, they are unlikely to seek therapy.
Founded jealousy is more common. Although we claim that we will be true to our lover, statistics suggest that meeting and falling for other people is common. Even former President Jimmy Carter admitted that he had “lusted in his heart” for other women. So what do people do when their partners are showing interest or involving themselves with another? The jealous people often punish their partner by being cold and distant. They may flirt or get involved with someone else “to teach their partner a lesson.”
Such tactics typically worsen the situation and may drive the partner further away.
Is there an alternative approach? Yes, and it is so obvious and yet people often don’t see it. The best approach is to find an appropriate time and place, and then tell the person about one’s jealous feelings.
This is where “I” statements are extremely valuable. For example, “I feel extremely threatened when I see you laughing and talking to ___.”
If the person is not involved, he or she will likely say so and try to avoid behavior that is threatening in the future. On the other hand, the person may admit that he or she is attracted to the other person.
This could lead to all sorts of conversations. It could mean that the person is already moving out of the current relationship, but it could be that the person thought it was merely harmless flirting.
Regardless of the outcome, it is generally best to confront feelings of jealousy in an open and honest fashion. If there is a problem, at least, it is now out in the open.
Letting jealousy fester will eventually erode the relationship to a point of no return.
Marty Lobdell is asking students to submit meaningful questions that he can address in his column.
Or, students can type out their questions, seal them in an envelope, address them to “The Pioneer: advice column” and drop them in the campus mail box located on the second floor of Cascade. Those then will be forwarded to Lobdell.
All questions will be published anonymously.
