Marty Lobdell
Staff Writer

Sooner or later most everyone experiences jealousy. Many people use the words jealousy and envy interchangeably, but there is a distinction. Envy is a feeling that you want something that someone else possesses, while jealousy a feeling that someone or something is threatening to harm a relationship. Although people are usually jealous when a person threatens their relationships, things such as work, television, the web, hobbies and sports can also cause jealousy if they feel their relationships are threatened.

So what do people do when they feel jealous? Unfortunately, most people do not directly confront the issue; instead, they do things to punish the partner. Being cold and/or unavailable is a common way of punishing the other. If the partner asks what is wrong, the person says, “nothing!!!”  This is very confusing, since the other person senses that something is definitely out of kilter.

There is a better way. As with most serious discussions between intimate partners, it is best to “level” with the other person. Using “I statements” to avoid attacking the other person, let him or her know what you are feeling and why. For example, “when I see you off with another person at a party, and you are talking softly, and no one else is around, I feel jealous. “ At least the issue is on the table.  The discussion could then go one of two ways. One, you have nothing to worry about and your partner will try to avoid further situations. Or, two, your partner is attracted to and interested in that other person. Regardless, it is better than letting it fester. Avoiding problems does not make them go away. Such problems usually worsen.

The above can also be applied to activities. For example, “when you play golf during most of your free time rather than spend time with me, I feel hurt.” This revelation can also lead to different outcomes, but it is at least on the table. Having difficult discussion will not harm the relationship, as long as; people are honest, respectful and stay on the issue. Not acknowledging a problem, typically leads to increased resentment and direct, or indirect, hostility.

A second type of jealousy is often called “pathological jealousy”. In this form of jealousy there is no threat to the relationship, and yet, the person perceives there is a threat. Once again, people often “punish” the other when they experience such jealousy.  If the person who feels jealous does directly bring it up, the other person denies there is a threat which furthers the false belief that there is a threat. This leads to a no-win situation. Whether the person agrees or denies that there is a threat, the sense of jealousy grows stronger.

People who are pathologically jealous nearly always drive intimate others from their lives. As Elvis sang, “we can’t go on together with suspicious minds.” People who manifest pathological jealousy would benefit from counseling; but they rarely seek help, because they “know” the other person is the problem, and not them.