In 1957, the Everly Brothers hit the charts with “Bye, Bye Love” a sad song dealing with the loss and loneliness people experience when love dies. People hate it when they realize their love is gone, but they seldom consider what they contributed to the demise.
There are several myths that work against having a long-term, successful love relationship. This article will explore such beliefs and their typical outcomes.
Having the belief that each of us has one and only ideal lover is the stuff of sappy novels and love songs but the belief is destructive. Consider the odds; if there is only one person for us, then we have about a one in eight billion chance of being together. What if the other person lives in another county, state, or country? What if we believe we found that person and he or she leave us or dies? The reality is there are large numbers of people we can love deeply. A second reality is that there are people who are far more, and others far less, suitable for us. The degree of compatibility is an extremely strong predictor of relationship success.
Thinking there is a perfect partner. This gets in the way of finding someone to love. If we are looking for a perfect partner, we will always be disappointed. We may reject people who would have been outstanding lovers because they are not perfect. We need to remember no one is perfect; although, some are closer to perfect than others.
There are no perfect relationships. Even the best relationships have problems. Successful relationships are characterized by people facing difficult issues and finding solutions.
Expecting another person to fulfill all of our needs is another unrealistic belief that will lead to disappointment and resentment. Such a belief also puts incredible pressure on the other person to accomplish an impossible task. First, we need to be strong in ourselves and then we need a variety of people in our lives to fulfill other needs.
There is no happily ever after unless they die shortly after meeting. Real people get unhappy with their loved ones. But this is part of the ebb and flow of human relationships. Nonetheless, it can cause us to question if we truly love our partners.
Thinking of changing a partner’s habits. He is a drinker or she has no belief in God, but I’ll change that person to a non-drinker or a believer once we marry. The reality is that it is extremely difficult to change core values or long held behaviors. Often the harder we try to change a lover, the more he or she resists change. Basically, if your lover has major areas that you wish to change, looking for a more compatible partner is a good idea.
The notion that love can get us through any situation. There are problems in relationships that love may not be able to conquer. Addictions, abuse and separation, to name a few, may not be successfully counter balanced by love.
Similar to the love is enough idea, there’s trying harder. Although love and trying hard can solve many relational problems, there are incompatibilities so great that nothing can bridge them. There is also the problem of not trying hard enough. The real difficulty is figuring out when we have tried hard enough.
The notion that all we need it love may be true for the Beatles, but if you eat, drink, breathe, sleep, etc., you’ll need more. We need many things to live life well. Love is a big part of a good life, but by itself will not sustain us.
